From Resentment to Reconnection: Our Real Story of Marriage After Baby
I remember one of our first big fights after becoming parents. It wasn’t really about dishes or laundry or who got more sleep. On the surface, that’s what we argued about—but underneath, it was about me feeling unseen and him feeling like he couldn’t get it right.
Before kids, our relationship felt easier. We had space for date nights, long conversations, and time to recharge. After kids, everything changed. The exhaustion, the never-ending needs, and the invisible mental load left us both stretched thin.
And yet, no one really prepared us for how profoundly motherhood would reshape our marriage.
Why Relationships Shift After Baby
Motherhood changes everything—not just your identity as a woman, but your partnership too. Looking back, it makes sense:
Exhaustion. When you’re both sleep-deprived, even small things feel overwhelming.
Division of labor. The mental load often falls heavier on moms, which can build resentment fast.
Attachment changes. Your baby suddenly becomes the center of your world, and your partner can feel pushed to the sidelines.
Unspoken expectations. We both carried unspoken beliefs about what parenting “should” look like, and those collided.
Suddenly, the relationship that once felt effortless needed so much more intentional care.
What It Looked Like for Us
For me, it looked like:
Snapping at him for “relaxing” while I was still doing things
Feeling resentful that he got more sleep or downtime
Arguing about chores that weren’t really about chores at all
Longing for him to notice what I was carrying without me having to spell it out
Living with anxiety that spilled into our marriage—my worry and overwhelm often triggered his stress too, and instead of feeling supported, we both felt stuck in a cycle of tension
For him, it looked like:
Feeling like he could never get it right
Being triggered by my anxiety and not knowing how to help
Wondering why I was so upset over “small things”
Missing the version of us we had before parenthood
We both loved each other. We both loved our baby. But we were missing each other in the chaos.
What Helped Us Reconnect
Here’s what shifted things for us:
Naming the mental load. Once we could put words to what I was carrying, it stopped being about “nagging” and started being about balance. (If you haven’t read my blog on the Mental Load of Motherhood, start there.)
Having honest conversations. Instead of exploding when I hit my breaking point, I began practicing sharing how I was feeling earlier, even if it was messy.
Letting go of perfection. I stopped expecting both of us to do everything “right.” A clean-enough house and simple meals were good enough.
Creating a rhythm for our evenings. After the kids went down, we found a simple rhythm that worked: 30 minutes of chores together so the house didn’t feel overwhelming, 30 minutes to connect—talking, playing a game, or just intentionally enjoying each other’s company—and then 30 minutes to recharge, either together or apart, doing whatever we needed most. That rhythm helped us feel more like partners and gave each of us space to breathe.
Making space for date nights. In the early days, that sometimes meant bringing the baby along with us—just to get out together and feel like “us” again. Later, it meant hiring a trusted babysitter. And on the weeks when that wasn’t possible, we’d put the kids to bed, order takeout, and create a simple at-home date night. Whether out or in, those moments reminded us that beneath the diapers and dishes, we were still two people who loved each other.
Therapy. Having a neutral space to name resentment and learn to listen differently was huge. Couples therapy gave us tools we didn’t know we needed.
None of this was instant. But little by little, we began to feel like a team again.
Why I Recommend Couples Therapy Early
So many couples wait until things feel really broken before reaching out for support. But what I’ve seen—in my own marriage and in the couples I work with—is that therapy in the early years of parenthood can make all the difference.
In fact, I often recommend that couples begin therapy before the baby even arrives. Parenthood is such a life-changing event, and it can stir up old wounds and patterns you didn’t even realize were there. Suddenly, the baby’s needs come first, and that shift alone can trigger both partners in unexpected ways. Having a space to talk through expectations, division of labor, communication, and support ahead of time creates such a strong foundation.
It’s not about “fixing” a broken marriage. It’s about creating space to:
Talk about the mental load without blame
Understand each other’s exhaustion and expectations
Build healthier systems before resentment grows too deep
Remember that you’re partners, not just co-parents
Parenthood is one of the biggest transitions a couple can face. You don’t have to wait until you’re on the brink to ask for help.
You’re Not Alone in This
If your marriage feels harder since becoming parents, you’re not failing. You’re human. Motherhood changes everything—including your relationship.
But with the right tools, it can also deepen your connection.
