The Day I Finally Understood the Mental Load of Motherhood (and Why It Changed Everything in My Marriage)

I remember the exact moment I first learned about the concept of mental load. I had never felt so deeply understood. I even called my husband right away—because suddenly, it explained so many of our recent fights over things that seemed so small.

Why he got to sleep more.
 Why I felt unsupported.
Why I felt like I was losing my mind while he was able to just relax.

Naming it—the mental load—put words to something I had been carrying silently for years.

What the Mental Load Looks Like

The mental load is the unseen work of keeping life running. It’s the mental checklist that never stops:

• Scheduling doctor’s appointments

• Remembering to pack lunches

• Keeping track of birthdays and playdates

• Managing household supplies

• Carrying the emotional needs of kids and partner

It’s like running a project management system in your head, 24/7. And it’s exhausting not just because it’s work, but because it never ends.

How It Made Me Feel

Even with sleep, I felt constantly tired. I’d find myself anxious the second my head hit the pillow. Resentment simmered because I loved my family but felt so unseen.

Carrying the mental load alone created a constant hum of hypervigilance. My body was always in “go mode,” which left me drained and disconnected.

Resources like Mental Load 101 helped me see it more clearly. They gave language not just for me, but for my husband too—to see the difference between asking “What do we need from the store?” (which adds to my load) and saying “I’m going to the store, I’ll take care of it.” That shift alone began to soften the resentment between us.

The First Steps I Took to Lighten My Load

As both a therapist and a mom, I’ve had to learn this firsthand. For me, it looked like:

• Writing it out. Getting tasks out of my head and onto paper.

• Delegating with ownership. Instead of vaguely asking for “help,” asking my husband and kids to fully own certain tasks.

• Saying yes to support. Using grocery deliveries and meal prep boxes instead of forcing myself through another store run.

• Micro-breaks. Tea, a few deep breaths outside, or curling up with a novel (my cocooning practice).

• None of these erased the load—but they gave me breathing space.

Why I Believe in Couples Therapy

No one tells you how much the mental load will affect your marriage. Most of the early conflicts after kids aren’t about love—they’re about invisible, uneven responsibility.

That’s why I recommend couples therapy for all new parents. Therapy helps couples:

• Talk about the mental load without blame

• Understand each other’s stress and expectations

• Build systems that prevent resentment

• Strengthen connection so you’re facing life side by side

For us, naming the mental load was the beginning of a more balanced partnership.

A Gentle Closing

The mental load of motherhood is heavy, but you don’t have to carry it alone. With small steps—and sometimes with the support of therapy—you can feel less depleted, less resentful, and more like yourself again.

If you see yourself in my story, I’d love to walk alongside you.